African Dreams

Long time no talk

Hello blogging world.  It's been a long time.  I haven't been posting because - quite honestly - I haven't much to say.  I know, for those of you who have followed for a while - that's an amazing thing ;-)

My girl is in Europe somewhere and I miss her lots.  I took some clothes into her room and could smell her (I know, weird).  I quickly shut the door.  I have done a good job of not being overwhelmed with missing her the past few days.

My son is home and there is mucho manliness going on around here.  The tent stunk to high heaven while camping - and it wasn't from me :-)  Water balloon fights, wrestling, boxing, lots of basketball and horse.  This weekend we will take Jon and a friend up to Mt. Pleasant to spend some more manly time. 

Anyway - that's the family update.  We're semi busy with church stuff this week which - again - if you follow this blog - you know that's a new thing in my life after over a year off of no serving in any capacity.  It's getting better - the church thing - but I still wonder when I will feel totally at home.  I had a good conversation with someone tonight about parenting teenage girls.  It felt good to have someone ask me how I handle things.  It's been so long since anyone asked me what I thought of anything - it just felt good.  It surprised me and I shared some things about the tough side of parenting one of our kids I don't think I've shared with anyone in the church setting before - and - the beauty of the rock - didn't get judged or frowned upon nor was my child thought less of.  It was - well - refreshing.  Didn't worry sharing it would mean people would run away in fear or pull their kid away from mine (and yes, I am intentionally not sharing which kid or what circumstance here) - I realized in this place, I might be able to share some struggles without feeling like less of a follower of Jesus Christ.  It was good.

Well this might turn into a long post after all.

On a more personal note.  This week I was flipping through some notebooks looking for some paper to write on.  I happened across something which filled me in on some blanks in my childhood.  If you know me, you know unfortunately, not much in my childhood is blank even though I would actually prefer not to have this incredible memory of mine of certain events in my life.  Anyway - I was - quite honestly - shocked at some of the things I read.  I didn't think it was possible to shock me in regards to my childhood.  I thought I remembered enough to know my life sucked growing up in a majorly big way and nothing was new under the sun.  But, this little tidbit of information did throw me for a bit of a curve.  I spent probably 2 days recovering from it and feeling - well - sad.  It always surprises me when I reflect on how bad it was and on how much I lost growing up.  It is actually rare that I sit and reflect on growing up at all - I've moved on, life has moved on, and God has blessed me beyond my greatest imagination.  Yet, there are moments when I do think about it and the loss is beyond understanding. 

I recently had someone say to me "WHY - why does God allow these things to happen?"  My usual, quick and Super Spiritual response (kidding) is to say "well, there is sin in the world, we are not puppets and sometimes we suffer in the ripples of other people's sin" and while I still firmly believe that - this time, I didn't give the response.  Quite honestly, after reading what I had read in my own little discovery - I didn't have an answer.  I simply responded there are things I do not understand.  I only know God is faithful and He loves you and has not left you. 

Sometimes, that is all I can cling to.  As strong as I appear to be, as good of a front as I put on, it does hurt.  It always has and it always will.  Yet - I know through it all - my God IS faithful and He does love me - and He always will.  I know the day will come when I will stand before Him and He will say "well done good and faithful servant" and then He will wrap me up in His arms - and for the first time in my entire life - I will fully lay my past hurt and pain at His feet and will feel nor remember it anymore.  I look forward to that day.  It is my hope when the sadness of my past and my loss overwhelms even me.

On that note blogging world, I will say goodnight.  I do apologize for my lack of blogging.  I haven't had much to say!

Elyse update

Sometime in the night last night, I got an e-mail from flight status letting me know Elyse has officially landed in Germany.  We have not heard from her since - but know she is safe and sound and having an awesome (however most likely exhausted!) time. We miss her so much.  

I have had said to me several times in the past 2 days from various parents that they could not do what we are doing by allowing Elyse to travel the world on missions trips.  That, too, was my take on things just a short summer ago.  However - some very wise words were spoken to me last year that have stuck in my heart and have become a new philosophy in my life for parenting as my children are growing older and spreading their wings.  It was said to me by another mother who had been in our situation years earlier.  She said "I never wanted to stand in the way of what God was doing or going to do in the lives of my children".

That is true for us.  Whatever God calls them to do -  I want to support and encourage to the best of my ability.  God told Elyse she was going to be a missionary at the age of 8.  She is almost 16 and has stayed totally focused on that call on her life.  She is now a foreign missionary - just like she knew she would be and just like God told her.

I miss Elyse a lot.  I have to continually not allow myself to think of the "what if's" of having her away from our awesome country.  I can't go there in my mind.  God has called,  God has provided and God will protect.  

I'll let you know if I hear anything further from her.  We never know once she gets in country when or even if we will hear from her before she is back in the states. Keep praying for her!

Tough Times

In the past few weeks - things have gotten downright crazy in our house.  Amidst our daughter leaving on a missions trip for the entire summer - the rest of us have been under attack.  Our finances have been under attack & our family has been under attack.  There are those who have sought to destroy us with their vindictive spirits and mouths full of lies.  Appliances, vehicles and lawn mowers have broken.  Our son has been under attack.  People whom I thought were our friends were anything but. It has been non-stop for about 2 - 3 weeks.

I'm tired.  Really tired.  I have attempted to remain upright in the Lord, to not shake my fist in His face and not to give in to anger and depression.  Today I have to admit, I reached my breaking point.  Years of hard work on my temper just about flew out the window when some crazy woman decided to make it her personal mission to go after my husband.  I can take a lot - but touch my family - and the reality is - I have a very short fuse.  I have not come as close to losing it in years as I came today.  I knew very quickly that the LORD has busted our van because if I had access to a vehicle today, Lord knows I would have driven somewhere to give a few people a very large piece of my mind.  It would not have been good and I can guarantee it would not have been Godly.  I already had blown it with my mouth.

Tonight I came to the realization that when things start falling apart in my life like this - it must mean something.  Many times I believe when things go incredibly crazy like this - it means God is about to do something big and satan is trying to stop it.  Or God is asking me to what length am I willing to remain faithful to Him - at what cost.

I don't like these times.  It is in times like these I realize how short I fall in my Christianity.  In my heart, even tonight, even though I know it's wrong, I still have some very serious ill feelings towards some people.  I still desire to get in my car and have my say.  It is times like these I realize that sin still has a huge pull on my life and although many strides have been made, the anger can still sit just under the surface ready to rear it's ugly head at any moment.  I am a work in progress - but I realize sometimes it is one step forward and 100 steps backwards.

As I said - today I almost lost it.  Now here's something I don't share on here very often - if ever - but I also have a point I can not be pushed past.  I, too, can only take so much before I hit that point where all I want to do is crawl in bed and go to sleep.  When I was a child, I would often sit in the corner of a very dark closet, hidden behind the clothes, hiding from my father, pushed against the wall, rocking and crying and attempting to find a safe place.  Today there was a moment I wanted the closet again - a place to hide from the world and those who seek to kill and destroy.  I wanted my safe place.  No, I'm not totally losing it - just being really honest.

Today I wanted justice, revenge.  I wanted a place and a way to vent my anger at whoever was in my path.  I wanted to get into a fight with words and with fists.  I was tired of all the times I've walked away over the years.  I actually longed for the me of the past who would just blow and God help anyone in my way.  That me was easier than this me and today I wished I could go there again - even if only for a moment.

I wisely didn't, of course.  I'm not 15 anymore and can't act like it - despite the fact that others still chose to walk that path.  I will defend my husband from those who seek to spread rumors and lies - but it will have to be done after I have gotten ahold of my temper and choose to respond in a way that honors the Lord.  Period.  There are no other options.

As far as the other stuff goes - as I told a very good friend today - I need to get away.  It's time to sit on the sand dunes of Lake Michigan and stare out at the water.  It is time to breathe in some fresh air.  It is time to get away from this place and these people - even if only for a moment.  It is time to go away and get a fresh perspective so I am better able to handle the attacks that have come our way.  It is time to fill my head with the Word and with worship and remember it is God's to avenge.  It is God's to shut the mouths of liars.  I have no doubt truth will be told - but I have to allow God to handle the justice side of things.  I can't do it anymore without going back to where I never want to be again.  Really, I don't.

I miss my baby girl.  Tomorrow she leaves for Europe and we may only speak to her a couple of times before she comes home in August.  My heart is empty without her and our home is not the same.  I can't wait for us all to be back together again where we belong.  I don't have any idea what I'm going to do when she goes away to college in 2 years.  I don't even know who I am without them.  We have worked very, very hard over the years to keep this family close and tight knit - I don't see many like it - and although I know in my head it is my job to give them wings to fly - it takes everything in me not to clip those wings to keep them close and safe.

Anyway.  Enough.  It's 1 a.m. and I should really get some sleep.  It's been a long day.

Blog Review - Healthyfellow.com

Most of you know if you've been a reader of this blog for long, that I am always on some kind of quest to become a healthier me.  Most of you know that I have failed miserably 90 percent of the time!

Anyway - I stumbled onto this blog tonight and liked what I saw.  It's set up nicely - easy to read - easy to navigate (always important).  I clicked on the cancer tab and found lots of articles in relationship to natural foods and cancer.  Of course I find that important since I personally have experienced cancer (although Lord knows it hasn't forced me into healthy eating just yet!).  The blog seems to have been up for a while and there are many articles to read through.  It'll take me a while to get read through them but I'm excited to start!

You can subscribe to it - which I plan on doing as well.  The only negative I've seen thus far is the ads.  I can't stand ads on sites - but they are relevant to the blog.

I don't know a lot about natural foods and stuff like that.  I have shied away from it due to cost and complete change in how I eat (I'm lazy, what can I say?) but I think I'm going to enjoy reading more and learning more on this site.

Here's the link if you want to check it out for yourself:

Healthyfellow.com  health blog

Enjoy!

She has arrived

Elyse has begun her European journey.  She has arrived in Dallas safe and sound and is currently on her way to Global Expeditions for training.  She will leave Dallas on Wednesday to make her way to Paris, France and then from Paris fly on to Berlin. We all had a rough night last night saying goodbye.  It was not easy - but we know God has moved mountains to get her to Europe this summer.  We have no doubt God is going to do amazing things in and through her this year.  We know it will be a life changer and can't wait to see how God grows her this summer.

We miss you bug.  Enjoy your time - seek God in all you say, do and think.  Glorify Him to the best of your ability.  Have faith even bigger than a mustard seed and you can and will move mountains through Him.  The sick will be healed, the blind will see and the lame will walk.   The captives will be set free and new life in Him will begin. 

We can't wait for you to come home but don't want to rush the move of God in your life.  Have a great time - live each day to the fullest and hold nothing back for Him.

Love you so much.  So proud of you.

For the rest of you - we'll keep you updated as we hear from her.  We never know when that's gonna be!

Less than 24 hours....

Less than 24 hours and Elyse leaves for Europe.  AHHHHHH.  I'm already crying.  I can't even talk about it right now!

I know it's a good and a GOD thing that she does this every summer - but sometimes I think "God, couldn't you have called her to be like a nurse or something a bit closer to home??" but - on the other hand - I mean it when I say I would not want her called to anything but missions.  God knew who she would be - and her and missions - perfect fit.

So anyway.  If I'm crying this much today - tomorrow is - quite frankly - gonna really stink.  I was half thinking this morning if we got back from the airport on time, maybe I would try to get to church.  Now I'm thinking I don't know if I'll be able to pull that one off.  My attachment to my kids is something I'm not quite sure everyone understands.  Most people I know would be thrilled to send their kids off for the summer.  I have said jokingly to people, 8 weeks with no fighting!  But - in my heart & in reality - I really and truly hate when my kids are far from from us.  I always feel like a part of me is just plain missing and it's not any fun.

However - I know her calling.  I know this is my life.  It's okay because it's God.  I am proud of her and excited for her.  I'll feel better once she's in country and all the flying part is finished.

Well - enough writing posts - gonna go enjoy my kid :-)

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE??

Okay - I'm sorry - but this is getting ridiculous.  I've got to lay some things out for some people - who knows if any of them read my blog - but if you stumble upon it and it pertains to you - LISTEN UP.

If you have children - and you are dating - do not - I repeat - DO NOT - date a convicted sex offender.  What in the world is wrong with people?  Why - WHY - would you EVER subject your child to someone like that?  Are you an IDIOT?  Well yes you are if you are putting your personal desires above your children.

We all know about the case of the little girl in Monroe.  In fairness, I can not speak logically about it because I have not personally read up on it.  I have been told that the mother was dating a convicted sex offender.  If this is true - she needs to get her butt thrown in jail. 

Now tonight I come across this article of another idiot Mom in Ohio dating a convicted sex offender and now the little girl has gone missing.  It makes me want to slap that Mom silly to be honest with you. 

I could just scream.  It makes me sick to think of what might be happening to that little girl right now.  Of course we all know how close this hits to home with me so if anyone reading this has any "brilliant" idea of yelling at me because of my opinion on this - you might want to keep that to yourself.

Anyway - sorry.  Go to the article and look at the picture of the man.  If you see him, call the police. 

On the same note - there is a sex offender registry list you can go to for Michigan to see if you have anyone living next to you who is a registered sex offender.  I check it regularly.  Here's the website link - click on it and you can enter your zip code and see who lives around you.  If you live out of state - most states have one now - just google it and you should be able to find it.

Okay, done with my rant now.  It's 3:00 a.m.  I should really go to bed!

End of the Elementary Years

I am sitting here tonight watching Jon and a couple of his friends play soccer basketball & foursquare in our front yard.  Today they all graduated from elementary school.  They are all still in their polo shirts & basketball shorts they all wore for the ceremony.

It's crazy to me that somehow I no longer have a child in elementary school. Where, exactly, has the time flown?  I have to admit - I was struggling not to cry throughout the ceremony and the only thing that kept me from bursting into tears was knowing my son would be humiliated if his mother was a wreck up there in the stands.

In 2 years I will be looking at high school graduation and 8th grade graduation.  I can't believe it.  It only seems like yesterday when our biggest concerns were keeping them out of the road or stopping them from sticking their fingers in the outlets.  It seems like only yesterday when Jon refused to sleep in his own bed because he would rather cuddle with us instead.  I remember telling him "one day you won't want to sleep in our room anymore" and now I would probably have to pay him big bucks to even sleep on our floor!!  

I now totally get why older people say "I don't feel a day over 20" - because - quite honestly - I don't.  My almost 40 year old body does, however, complain when I try to act like I'm 20 (which really isn't that often) - but I don't feel a whole lot different inside than I did almost 20 years ago.  I'd like to think I'm older and wiser - however - the older I get - the more I realize I don't know squat about anything.

Anyway.  Today was bittersweet.  Saying goodbye to the elementary years wasn't easy for either of us.  Now we enter the uncertain stage in life.  It's not always been easy with our older one and there is something in me which feels like I'm being dragged towards Jon becoming a teenager (next Monday) very unwillingly. My nails are scrapping on the chalkboard so to speak.  I know some people find this time in their child's life exciting.  Personally it is causing me a whole lot of worry and stress.  I thought when they got older, it would be easier.  It's not.  It's only getting more difficult.

Anyway.  Wow.  This is a depressing post.  I think I was supposed to celebrate today yet I find myself rather sad this evening.  My little guy is my little guy no more.   He no longer loves being a Momma's boy and is pulling away.  I don't know if I can handle this to be honest with you.

Sorry. I think I better stop focusing on it and be greatful we have made it through the past 7 years successfully!  I need to look forward to the next 6 years with great anticipation of what God is going to accomplish in the lives of my children instead of being filled with dread about the what if's that may never happen.

On a positive note - Congrats Jon on graduating 6th grade!  I am proud of you. Every teacher said you are such a sweet & good kid.  What more could I ask for than a son who is compassionate & full of mercy and grace?  Not much - and I'm thankful your mine.